Making Motivation
This post is going to be a bit of a departure, but I keep thinking about this subject so I’m going to try to put some coherent thoughts down about it.
People can be weird when you tell them you have “domestic” hobbies, particularly those that veer into the tradwife, women’s traditional work sphere. A few years ago (pre-covid) typically if I told someone I sewed or knit things, I would get one of two responses: “Oh that’s so nice, you must save SO much money!” or “I wish I had the time!” To be clear saving money was never my main motivation for making things. Anyone who does any sort of sewing or knitting knows you probably aren’t saving money nowadays, in fact sewing a dress probably costs thrice as much as buying one now. In a post-covid world hell bent on pushing “traditional values” (barf) if you say you bake sourdough, or knit your own underwear or whatever else as a straight woman, you have to add “But I still think women should be “allowed” to work outside the home, and have rights, in case that wasn’t apparent?” But I digress.
It has actually been very challenging to fit doing any sort of hobby into life with older kids. They’re always going somewhere, be it sports or whatever else, and while they’re in school I have to now spend my time on paid work more than I would like to. And now that they care more about their appearance, they don’t always want homemade clothes (which is OK!) So I guess it makes sense when someone learned recently that I am “still doing that knitting and stuff” with some surprise, and said, “well good for you, you must really love it.”
Harmless statement. But it got me thinking about the time I spend actually sewing or knitting or baking or whatever else, and I had a bit of an epiphany. I don’t know that I do really love it. Half the time I’m seam ripping or stitch fixing or dropping things on my toes and swearing, I really dislike pattern cutting, the mess is annoying, I get annoyed when I screw up again, I hate wasting fabric for a mistake…you get the picture. So why do these things? What is the reason, as Cardi might ask.
Lots of other people buy all their clothes and never learn about how they’re made, they don’t bake things they could buy at the store for a few bucks, and life goes on. But the fact remains that in spite of not always enjoying the process, I want to make my own clothes. Even if I don’t wear an entirely me-made wardrobe, I very much want to know that I am able to make everything that I might wear. I want to be able to make my own jeans so that if I end up fuming at the store because everything has a damn barrel leg, I can go make something I actually want to wear, in whatever size I want. I want to knit hats because I think it’s important that I know how to knit hats. What if all the hat knitting stopped and there was nowhere to buy them? What if someone decided that we all had to wear black cloaks from now on and I don’t want to? What if we lost the ability to do any of these things for ourselves outside a mass production setting? That would be kind of tragic, I think.
So I guess maybe I do these things because I think it’s important that someone is doing them in case of zombie apocalypse or complete breakdown of industrial production systems then? I am not saying it’s a possibilty, but I’d be doing alright in case they stop producing clothes in my size, at least for a bit. And this is why I think I might be so motivated to do these things, it’s because I want to be able to be self-sufficient in the event that I had to. Obviously I’m not a farmer, and I can’t produce my own fabric or yarn or flour or whatever, so there are some holes in my logic here but I never said it made sense.
Hell, I even think it’s important enough to continue that I am willing to endure the frustrating, boring, and annoying parts of the process to get the end result. The pride I felt when I first made a rain jacket for my oldest child was pretty unbeatable, even though I had just spent three days crying about a zipper that wouldn’t line up. Worth it! I nearly died of happiness the time someone learned I was wearing a knitted lace cardigan I made and they remarked, “Wow, I couldn’t tell it was homemade.” Yes I know this is a loaded statement but we’re not unpacking that right now, the fact is my sweater passed for store-bought and I was happy about it. Forget the fact that I dropped 30 stitches on it, mixed up the pattern for the front, and had to do the bands with yarn from a different dye lot that doesn’t quite match if you get up close. I went out to dinner in the winter wearing head to toe clothes that I made, (except for the underwear and shoes) carrying a leather purse I made, continaing my me-made wallet and key fob, and I tell you it was a rush like no other. And don’t think I haven’t explored underwear making, round one just didn’t go great. I know I’ll make my own shoes one day, I just haven’t yet. I wish I had the time!
So in the end, maybe I do really love it? I might be an insane person, with motivations that are slightly nonsensical, but whatever it is that keeps pushing me to try new crafts and keep on at my current ones, may it never stop pushing. I might lose money, I might have grey hair, I might spend more time annoyed during the process than is healthy, but I have homemade pants and that’s something.
